This article is the continuous of my previous article “What is the purpose of your marriage?” Marriage is a big part of our adult life. I will talk in detail the very base of happy and successful marriage.
Love is not all around anymore, is it?
Nowadays we do not see many people have the happy marriage. They thought they will be happy once they got married. But the reality is, they found sadness, sorrow, frustration and depression in their marriage life. Actually, 65% of the world’s news is marriage news if I might say. If we have to put them all in every media, we will not have other news, except news about marriage and its problems. That’s why they don’t put them all. We more interested in politics, sports, government, health, entertainment and maybe a few about marriage too. But the fact is, 9 out of 10 marriages are in trouble. That’s why we see the number of divorce is increasing every single day. So, my question is, is marriage happiness or is marriage sadness? Please think this question carefully. Think it through. See it in your own life marriage experiences. Is it happiness or is it sadness?
Can I count on you?
I can say that if you say marriage is happiness, it is not quite right. If you say sadness, it is also not quite right. The correct answer is,
Marriage is a struggle, striving, working hard to correct the construction of marriage so in the end happiness might be achieved eventually.
So the key is that marriage itself neither happiness nor sadness. Marriage is a process to establish, to create happiness. So when you are married, you need more than love to make your marriage works. So when 2 people wanted to get marriage and they say after marriage they will be happy, they are wrong. They are not ready to be married. They should know that marriage is about duties and responsibilities.
Marriage is about giving, not taking.
Life is about giving. So is marriage. A lot of couples always say “He doesn’t love me anymore” or “He doesn’t understand me” or “She has changed a lot”. Well, I can say that this statement is selfish. You know why? Because this person doesn’t understand that marriage is about giving. Many women always wonder why we don’t count star anymore after got married or why he is not as romantic as when we were dating.
Marriage is a whole new game. There are rules to follow in order for marriage to last as long as “till death do us part” when you took a vow. Please stop asking what your spouse should do to you and start asking yourself what you can do to your spouse so you can have what you want for your marriage.
Many books talk about how we can have happy marriage, how to light up your marriage, how to make your partner love you even more and dozens of other how we can encounter.
But all these books do not talk about the main problem of the marriage. The core of the problem is seldom discussed. To me, most of them are just like tips and tricks. I will not talk about tips or tricks to help you get successful and happy marriage. I am sure you know more than I do. I am just going to discuss the very core of marriage. What do we need to achieve happy and successful marriage.
You need more than just love.
Marriage has to be built on something called “conscience”. How many times do we hear this word? We often hear something like love, care, take care, etc, but not this. I am sure you understand the meaning of this word. The main concern here is that the 4 pillars I am going to discuss is the manifestation of conscience.
Pillar # 1: Affection
Affection is one form of love, but not the normal love we know. The love we know is selfish love. Affection is the genuine true love. We often hear people say something like “He doesn’t love me anymore” or “Do you love me anymore?” or even worse “Why can’t you love me more than I do”. Selfish love is taking, always expecting your spouse to do something for you. You still think about yourself, not your spouse or your family. You are always the center.
True love is giving. You have to put some efforts in building solid marriage. You need to make some sacrifices. Loving your spouse means you need to make him or her happy. Not expecting your spouse to make you happy. You need to serve your spouse. I know what you might think, boy this is too much. Too much for being married. I say yes. Again, marriage is not some boy falling in love with a girl in high school. It’s beyond that. You and your spouse need to help each other. So again, affection or I can say “true love” is about making sacrifice, put priority for your spouse,
Pillar # 2: Respect
The truth behind respect is that if we respect others, others will respect us. That’s the universal truth. Not many people can do this, especially in marriage life. Why do we have to respect our partner? That’s because no couple is perfect. We always have our differences. No families are the same. Therefore, if we have different opinions, different thoughts, different way of thinking, this will not be a problem if we respect each other.
I will not discuss in detail about respect. This is one topic in itself. But you get my point here. You can forget about the course you enroll about self development if you can not do this simple task, respect others. Many courses out there teach us how to communicate with others. But how can you expect to communicate better with your spouse if you can not even respect this person? That’s impossible. I guess the ability to respect others is built from childhood. That’s why it is very important for parents to understand the value of respect and teach it to their children when they are still young.
I give you 5 reasons why we should respect our spouse:
1. Equally noble
In God’s eyes, we are the same.
2. Our spouse IS NOT our servant.
3. Our spouse is the mother or father of our children.
This is probably the most important reason why you should respect your spouse. If you understand this, there is no way that you will ignore your spouse by not treating your wife or husband in the right way.
4. Our spouse will not be with us forever.
We are human. We will die eventually. So use the most of your time together by respecting each other. Cherish every moment together.
5. Our spouse is the son of God.
If we do not respect each other, I can say that we do not respect God. Because we are all the sons of God.
Pillar # 3: Forgiveness
We have to forgive each other, forgive your partner. Why? Because every family has its own problems. There are times when misunderstanding, disagreement and dispute must take place. Often marriage is right in the edge of divorce just because we can not forgive each other. Just for one mistake, divorce is the only option.
A classic example that often encountered in marriage live is cheating on your spouse. Do you think that you can forgive your husband or your wife if he or she cheated on you? Tough question right? Well, if he or she has cheated on you, the question you should ask yourself, why he or she cheated on me? We have to look inside ourselves what is wrong with ourselves. Not starting to blame our partner which is what would happen normally, right? Do we have the power to forgive our spouse if he or she cheated on us?
Please look at the situation very carefully. Because the power of forgiveness is the power we always ask God. Think about it. We always ‘beg’ God to forgive us. If we always ask God to forgive us so, why can’t we forgive our spouse? Because the way I see it, there is no mistake big enough that we do not deserve to be forgiven. If you have the power of forgiveness, this will give you the whole new life for you and your family. I am sure your feeling to your spouse will not be the same, but over time, you will over come this. If you spouse sincerely asking for your forgiveness and promise you or maybe even swear to you, you should forgive him or her. You should know that when you forgive your spouse, he or she will repent and will never do that same mistake again.
Pillar #4: Gratitude
Last but not least, gratitude is something we need to achieve successful and happy marriage. We have to thank our husband or our wife for something that you think he or she has done for us that make things better. Often in marriage life, husband is so arrogant that when his wife cooked very nice meal, he just keeps silent. No compliment coming from him. Saying like “Hmm.. today’s meal is so delicious. Thank you. What did you put in there?” This would make your wife feel that she is being treated like a queen. Don’t you think so?
We really have to thank our husband or wife. Sometimes ‘thank you’ does not have to be said. Just giving a smile to him or her, or just short saying ‘thank you’ will make big different in your marriage life.
Try to practice this in your daily life. Give compliment and see what happens.
Ok, that is it. Now you know the 4 pillars to successful and happy marriage. These are the foundations. No tricks no tips. As simple as it gets. These are the factors that we forget most of the times. But now you know what you should do to keep your marriage ever lasting.
I know this post might not be perfect. It maybe offends you in some way. So I need your contribution on this. Please give me your comments, critics, opinions or suggestions how I can improve my article in the future.
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